im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
