so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
