Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
