Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
