I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
