You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
