there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
