i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
