Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
