I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
