are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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