It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
how does that bad decision feel?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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