So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize