I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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