New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
