I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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