I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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