omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
