Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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