I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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