I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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