You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
