Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
