dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
