So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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