I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
