fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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