Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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