I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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