he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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