my vag is so smooth its legendary
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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