just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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