Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
