It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
