There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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