I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You took a bar mat shot.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
