She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
