Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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