so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
