i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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