I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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