The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
