Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
