someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
