I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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