**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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