i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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