if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish I only lived at night.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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