Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
