Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
