Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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