i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He did a backflip because drugs
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
