end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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