i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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