plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
