i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
