Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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