I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Pants 0. Shit 1.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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