i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
